in The Timekiller

Porn Star Carpool

NOTE: This is one of a series of posts that originally appeared on my previous blogs, most of which were named The Timekiller. I’ve found these old posts on the Internet Archive and am in the process of re-posting them here (with their original publication dates) in an unnecessary attempt to keep a record of all the nonsense I’ve posted online over the years.


Since moving to Hollywood a decade ago, I’ve had a lot of experiences that I never imagined I would have in my life.

I’ve interviewed an 8-year-old actress about her “beauty secrets” while on the red carpet of a C-List Hollywood event.

I’ve been interviewed myself on CNN as an “expert” about the entertainment industry and in the process lost all faith in any “expert” I see interviewed on CNN about anything.

I’ve gotten schooled on the basketball court by Urkel (which is all the more surprising, because I’m actually a halfway decent “baller.”).

But the most unexpected set of experiences I’ve had out here have been my various encounters with porn stars, which have come courtesy of a porn comedy show I produce and promote.

Now, before you get too excited, none of these encounters have been sexual. But I think their non-sexual nature is what makes them so interesting (at least that’s what I keep telling myself).

Look, there’s no shortage of guys in this town that have stories of wild sexual escapades with porn stars (no offense, ladies). But how many people have stories about having breakfast at a Bob Evans restaurant in bumfuck (no pun intended) Missouri with a porn star? Or bringing a porn star to dinner with your family?

These are the stories that I have. And it’s one of these stories that I’m going to share with you now. A story about the time I drove a porn star carpool. Here’s how it happened…

Once upon a time, I had to pick up a porn star – who I hadn’t previously met and whose name will be omitted in order to protect the guilty (and myself) – and give her a ride to one of our comedy shows.

Here’s an approximate timeline of how that ride went down (no pun intended):

5:45 – Drive to pick up the Porn Star in my very sexy four-door Acura, complete with giant scratch on the passenger door from where some drunk guy in Vegas keyed it. Shockingly, the Porn Star lives in the Valley.

6:10 – Arrive at Porn Star’s apartment. Discover that she lives upstairs from a “medicinal” marijuana shop and next door to a “happy ending” Asian massage parlor. It’s basically the Sesame Street that you really wished somebody would have told you how to get to.

6:11 – I’m five minutes early, so I call the Porn Star to tell her I’ve arrived. She replies that she’s running 15 minutes late, and says her boyfriend will let me into her apartment while she finishes getting ready.

6:13 – Hang up and think to myself, “Boyfriend? Fuck (no pun intended).” Mentally prepare myself for awkwardness.

6:15 – Enter the apartment and notice the following: Yappy little dog, huge bong on the kitchen counter, coke residue on the kitchen table, and the only furniture in the apartment is a giant chair, a TV, and a Playstation (which is on, even though there’s some bad movie playing on the TV).

6:16 – Meet the boyfriend. Have a flashback to being a teenager. Remember what it was like to pick up a girl in high school and have to make small talk with her father, while wondering whether or not I was going to see the girl’s boobs later that night.

6:17 – Remember that this isn’t high school, that the girl I’m picking up is a porn star, and that I’ll probably get to see her boobs at some point. Also remember that the guy I’m talking to isn’t this girl’s Dad, it’s her boyfriend. And that the guys that usually come pick his girlfriend up are taking her to a gangbang – not a comedy show. Shouldn’t be too hard to win him over.

6:20 – My small talk with the boyfriend turns to the subject of why he’s tired. He explains, “I had a gig last night (shockingly, he’s in a band), but we both had to work today so we tried to be responsible and came back home by 1:30. Then we popped in one of her videos, and I got horny and said ‘Let’s fuck.’ So we fucked for 5 hours and then made some pizza and hung out for a couple hours, just talking about stuff. Then we both slept in and blew off work.”

6:22 – Tried and failed to come up with a good response to this. All I could come up with was, “Nice.”

6:25 – The Porn Star appears, we say hello and get ready to leave. I head for the door as she says goodbye to her boyfriend. Her goodbye involves her calling him “Daddy,” and some unidentified sounds that I can only assume (hope?) were her kissing him on the mouth.

6:30 – The carpool begins.

6:40 – Porn Star tells me her life story. It involves a father who was a gangleader/white power enthusiast and in prison for most of her childhood, a Mom who she drank with starting at the age of 7 and did drugs with by 12, then being on her own and moving to Hollywood by 18, and having a kid who is now 4-years-old and learned his vocabulary from Lil’ Jon, which she explains is “really funny.” At some point, there’s also references to “dating” rockers like House of Pain’s DJ and the guy from Crazytown who’s currently seen every week on VH-1’s Celebrity Rehab show. There are also references to somebody who was a blimp pilot, but to be honest, my head was spinning by this point and I don’t remember the details.

6:50 – I do a lot of smiling and nodding. This is the most entertaining car ride I’ve ever been a part of.

7:00 – Porn Star reveals that she’s been with her current boyfriend for two months and that she’s “not with him for his intelligence.” She then goes on to add that it’s tough being in a relationship when neither person is the intelligent one. Profound.

7:15 – We arrive at the club for the show and introduce her to the comics she’ll be “performing” with. One of them meets her and seconds later asks if he can suck on her boobs while they take a picture. She says no. But he can rest his head on her chest and take a picture. He does.

7:20 – The porn star orders three shots of Jager and an Apple Martini chaser. She then says, “I’ve gotta take a shit,” and asks another comic if he’d like to watch her go to the bathroom. One comic leaves the room, assuming she’s kidding. She’s not. The other comic goes in the bathroom with her.

8:00 – The show goes on, the crowd loves it, the Porn Star has a blast, the comics have a blast. Everybody’s happy.

8:10 – I start to wonder how much of the story of my Porn Star Carpool I can put into a column on the web without getting disowned/sued/spontaneously combusting. I decide approximately 69%.

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