Last night I went out to dinner for Valentine’s Day at an Italian restaurant that was nice, though far from the fanciest place in Los Angeles. It was a lovely meal, but the highlight of the dinner had nothing to do with the food and everything to do with the dinner party that came in and sat next to my date and I toward the end of our meal.
The party that was seated next to us consisted of three people: A skanky-looking and plastic surgery loving Asian MILF, a little kid that looked like he was half-Asian and half-black but not remotely destined to be as successful as Tiger Woods, and a dorky older guy who looked equal parts sleazy and Jewy. They made for quite the Three Musketeers on this Valentine’s night.
Anyway, they sat down and it didn’t take long for me to figure out that the kid belonged to the woman, and that the woman’s vagina now belonged to the sleazy guy, whose sperm was not used to produce the kid.
As they killed time waiting for their waiter to come take their order, I overheard an odd conversation in which the sleazy guy asked the kid if he enjoyed his sleepover with “Pa,” which I assume was the kid’s father who probably gets to see him once a week in exchange for continuing to send the “child support” payments that pay to keep the woman’s boobs afloat long enough for the sleazy guy she’s with to play with them.
It’s not that unusual for the Sleazy Guy to ask The Kid if he enjoyed spending time with his estranged father, but what was unusual was that he followed that up with a question about whether the kid enjoyed taking a bath with “Pa” over the weekend. Umm…is it worse that this kid had to take a bath with his “Pa,” or that he had to relive the experience with this creepy guy who’s boning his Mom?
That creepy bit of conversation aside, things really got interesting when the waiter arrived and this trio placed their order. I don’t know exactly what they ordered, but I think they ordered a pizza and the waiter pointed at the kid and asked, “And the pizza’s for him?”
The Asian MILF gasped, covered The Kid’s ears as if the waiter had cussed like a sailor, and said, “It’s not a him. She’s a girl!”
The waiter stammered out an apology and scurried away, the Asian MILF and the Sleazy Guy immediately started overcompensating to try to change the subject so the little girl wouldn’t realize she looks like a dude (which she does by the way), and the poor little girl didn’t realize that this would be yet another moment from her fledgling life that she’d be discussing in therapy a couple decades down the road.
And as for me? Well, I came the closest I’ve ever come to doing a spit take in a restaurant. It was a happy Valentine’s day indeed.